Everyone’s been there. You’re at one end of the party, mingling next to the bite-sized quiche all by your lonesome when boom, a roar of laughter erupts from the other end of the room and cuts through the din of smooth jazz playing on the stereo. You peak, craning your neck to see the source of such confidence through the fogged-up beer goggles those three Bud-Lights have fastened so snugly around your temples. Pushing through the mass of unimpressed strangers, you catch a glimpse.
A semi-circle of your fellow party people surround one single person. Donning robes of the purest satin—or, you know, designer tees and soft leather sneaks—the planetary body around which the entire party revolves stands like a monument to the person you only dream to become. In their hand, a wine glass. Held with such grace, the glass appears to be the source of the person’s power. With each meme recited and subsequent Netflix show recommendation, the wine splashes against the rim to the beat of every gesticulation.
There’s a certain indescribable air of confidence that exudes from someone who knows just the right way to hold a glass of wine. It’s hard to put a finger on it but when you know, you know. For all those wondering “how can I ever transform myself from a bumbling background character to the protagonist of every social gathering?” we’re enrolling you today in the school of the Doggfather. Snoop’s a man famed for his chronic-smoking capabilities, but with the release of his new wine, Snoop Cali Red, imminent this summer, his Doggy Drinking School® is now in session.
Lesson # 1
“Rolling down the street, smoking indo, sipping on gin and juice,
Laidback with my mind on my money and my money on my mind.”
Pace yourself. Don’t bet it all on black or dive off the highboard with your very first drink. There’s a time to sip and a time to chug, and the ways in which you set yourself up for this kind of success will go the distance in the long run. For example, maybe try not to bring two bottles of sauvignon blanc to your sister’s baby shower because, let’s be honest, it’s just not that kind of party.
Lesson # 2
“Me and my partner, in my Impala
Popping our collars, tossing up dollars”
Double trouble baby! There’s power in numbers and the lone wolf vibe will only get you so far. Pick a pal with the kind of flash and swag you strive to possess, study them, and ensure that your special wingman or wingwoman is sitting in the passenger seat right next to you when the time comes to pop those collars and toss those dollars.
“Take this drink and hit this weed.”
Never discount the power of a good pairing. And in contrast, never find yourself on the wrong side of a bad one. Cabernet Franc and KD? Probably not. That bottle of Pinot Noir you’ve been saving for the perfect piece of fresh coho salmon? Absolutely! Snoop’s been in the game long enough to know that the whole is always greater than the sum of its parts, so don’t be afraid to mix a little this with a little that—because you never know what kind of magic may happen with some sexy-smooth synthesis.
Lesson # 4
“Big stars in big cars, we pull up at the big clubs and sit at the big bars
Sippin’ champagne with a bowl of caviar.”
You are what you drink. If you’re dying to impress on a first date or on the prowl to schmooze a potential business associate, maybe stray a little further up from that bottom shelf discount rack when picking the evening’s drink of choice. Paying over $10 for a bottle of wine should never be thought of as a sin, and is, in fact, a great opportunity to graduate from a life of bonfire shit-kicking in your sweatshirt to one more akin with bottle poppin’ bubbly in a cream-coloured stretch and the likes of Snoop himself.
Lesson # 5
“The Lexus, flexes, from Long Beach to Texas
Sexist, hoes, they wanna get with this
Cuz Snoop Dogg is the shit, beeeitch!”
This may seem to contradict our last point—and we don’t condone calling women h**s—but our takeaway is whatever you end up pouring in your cup, it’s the confidence and way you own the glass that will have the entire party revolving around you when it comes to storytime. Only have enough for a seven dollar case of Black Label Strong? Grasp those cans in your hand like it’s a bottle of Dom. Be like Snoop. Don’t let anyone make you believe you’re anything less than the epitome of class and grace. Because you are. You’re the shit, beeeitch!