“I’ve been in denial, I’ve been in shock. I am traumatized,” Britney Spears said in an emotional 20-minute statement to a California Superior Court Judge yesterday. “I just want my life back,” the pop star pleaded, addressing her conservatorship publicly for the first time. There have been rumors swirling around for years about Spears’ treatment under the conservatorship but hearing her speak on it and give great detail about the pain and abuse she’s endured is heartbreaking. “It’s embarrassing and demoralizing what I’ve been through, and that’s the main reason I didn’t say it openly. I didn’t think anybody would believe me,” she said on why it’s taken this long for her to come forward.

One of the most grueling situations she details is when she said no to a Las Vegas show, she remembered being relieved that she didn’t have to perform but then scared of the consequences that could be placed upon her due to the conservatorship. The lack of autonomy that Spears has is terrifying and her fears about retaliation were correct. After the Vegas show, the therapist that she sees against her will changed her medication to lithium. Under the effects of lithium, which made her feel drunk, she was held inside her home with round-the-clock supervision. Spears is also responsible for paying everyone in her conservatorship. She compares her situation to “sex-trafficking” being forced to work 10 hours a day, seven days a week. If she doesn’t comply, she’ll be banned from seeing her kids and boyfriend. “All I want is to own my money, for this to end, and my boyfriend to drive me in his fucking car. And I would honestly like to sue my family.” Hard to imagine that these are things she has to fight in court for, she’s asking for autonomy and basic human rights. The full statement can be read here.

At the end of Spears’ honest and heartfelt words, the judge praised her for being courageous to tell her side of the story. What are the next steps? Spears can decide whether or not she would like to keep the same lawyer and if not, who the replacement will be. Her counsel will then need to file a petition to terminate the conservatorship, which her family can try and contest.