A Self Isolation Survival Guide By FUBAR’s Terry Cahill

Canada’s most notorious hoser since Bob or Doug McKenzie weighs in with some inspirational tuneage that doesn’t funkin blow. 

Photo Illustration: Alex Kidd

These are tough times. It ain’t easy havin’ to fight to the death over ass-wipe or watching the price of oil go from the shitter to the sewer. We’re all makin’ sacrifices here, given up all the good stuff like hockey, loitering, and free cafeteria grub at my Aunt Doreen’s nursin’ home. It’s a total mind-bender.

Bein’ hunkered down can take its toll on yer givertude. Days turn into nights, nights turn into days, freshies into empties, darts into butts. Do you know what the “heavy” in heavy metal stands for? Fucken eh rights. Not loud riffs and heavy chords. Heavy metal is for those of us who got it heavy. People who ain’t workin’, and feelin’ the pain of a daily grind. Which is basically all of us right now. So allow me to impart some knowledge of non-knowledge, which is power. Here’s some classic tuneage that gets me through the long days of self isolatin’. Follow along with the full playlist on Spotify

12:05 PM When I ain’t workin’ I like to be disciplined and get up around noon. First things first, I’ll crank “Sweet Leaf.” Black Sabbath’s love song to marijuana starts off with a cough—just how I like to start my day. It ain’t considered wake and bake if you do it past noon, and this track is the right tempo to shake out the cobwebs and get yer heart rate goin’. Awooo!

2:10 PM Have a hot shower if you can afford it. Just cus it’s end times don’t mean ya shouldn’t take a little pride in yer pits. I usually have my mornin’ beer and smoke in the shower. Lather in the Mane’ n Tail nod yer hurtin’ noggin’ to “Smoke on the Water” by Deep Purple. Pro trip, don’t try to eat yer cereal in the shower. That’s just stupid.

2:20 PM Holy Diver” helps me do all the shit I don’t want to do. Get motivated with Dio. Power through chores in yer ginch. Collect them empties. Clean yer hidey-hole up.

3:00 PM By now I’m blastin’ “Moneytalks” by AC/DC, countin’ out my last shrapnel while I wait fer my Tru-dough to drop. Don’t actually listen to the lyrics and go out and buy “furs ‘n’ diamonds” because yer cheque won’t go that far. I only made that mistake once. You’d probably only be able to get like half a diamond and maybe a stitch of fur. These days you can’t buy the painting on the wall, but you can buy paint and maybe make yer own painting. That’s the mindset we need to be in right now.

3:37 PM This is the part of the day where I reach out to family and friends, either on the blower or on the computer. If yer cousin’s gettin’ loaded hollerin’ “quit freeloading off the government!” hit mute and crank Van Halen’s “D.O.A.” Flashback to the days when bored cops would just give us trouble for no reason. Haha. Who’s bored now?

4:20 PM Time to start Nazareth’s “Razamanaz” and hit the bubbler. Rule of thumb fer me is, if it’s hard to spell, it’s gonna be better to listen to. “You’re the taker and we’re the giver.” That’s all there is to it. I’ll taker Nazareth, and then I’ll giver. Right on!

6:15 PM Crack open the Spam and Ichiban to Motorhead’s “Eat the Rich.” We wouldn’t be in this boat if we’d just listened to Lemmy. We’d probably be eatin’ lobsters at the top of the Calgary Tower.

7:00 PM: Work off the meal with a little one-on-one Wrestlemania with yerself. I like to wrestle myself to that Heelwalkers track “Rock Bottom.” These guys are from Halifax. I imagine I’m wrestling The Rock and how I’d do a move and then I’ll elbow myself to the stomach, then Terry as the Rock’ll do a couple dropkicks and then I’m in a Boston crab screamin’.

9:12 PM Okay time to calm down and take five to Judas Priest “Prisoner of Your Eyes.” 

Don’t you hear me crying
Take me in your arms again
Tell me that you’re trying
Or is our love a lie…

It might get you thinkin’ of Cindy Jackowski from junior high and what might have been had you taken her to that Glass Tiger concert like she asked.

10:00 PM  This is when I ease up on discipline and really cut loose. I’ll rip through a flat or two to the entire AC/DC album, Powerage. Make sure to leave a few beers over for the next day. Yer gonna need that shower beer.

5:03 AM If you haven’t passed out already, wind down with Anvil’s’ “Legal At Last.” This is a newer track by the boys, but boy does it make me proud to be Canadian. Any song that starts with a bong rip is good in my books. Get as high as you can be. Look off into the distance through yer basement window and tell yourself, “Not only is Trudeau sending me money, he’s letting me spend it on dope.” Things ain’t that bad after all. 

Terry Cahill is one-half of the infamous beer-drinkin’, boot-stompin’, head-bangin’ duo that won our hearts in FUBAR. He currently resides in Calgary, AB and is probably drinking a can of Pilsner right funken now.

Listen to Terry’s Self Isolation Playlist on Spotify!